Published on November 5th, 2015 | by jen9150
You’re doing it wrong
Not in the bedroom. In the bathroom. Your defecation game is seriously whack. Here’s why: You were meant to squat down in the woods and take a quick, clean you-know-what. Instead, you are forced to squeeze it out on a porcelain throne that was originally constructed for a queen.
Heard of the paleo diet? Well, there’s a “paleo” way to take a crap that is a whole lot healthier because it utilizes gravity and our natural physiology instead of working against it. According to Giulia Enders, a microbiologist who wrote an entire book on the subject, “1.2 billion people around the world who squat have almost no incidence of diverticulosis and fewer problems with piles. We in the West, on the other hand, squeeze our gut tissue until it comes out of our bottoms.”
While I have no doubt that highly processed meats from feedlot-sick animals are a contributor to poor health as well as animal cruelty, the WHO would likely make more strides in the worldwide colon cancer rate by recommending that the Western world take a cue from our Eastern neighbors, who use squatting toilets on a large-scale and manage to still be clean and civilized. In fact, many argue that squatting toilets are more hygienic because they are more easily cleaned, do not require skin contact, and commonly use water to cleanse instead of only toilet paper.
Interestingly, Europe and Oceania, where sitting toilets are the standard, have far higher rates of colon cancer than do Asian and African countries, where squatting toilets are prevalent. I’m pretty sure they eat a lot of meat in Asia and Africa. Could it be that the WHO left out a major confounding factor in their recent report on the relationship between eating meat and colon cancer? Judging by their post-hoc Q&A, the link isn’t that strong to begin with; they admit that there is only a “small increase” based on “limited findings” drawn from epidemiological studies, which are not very scientifically sound as far as studies go. As Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., recently noted, you could create an epidemiological study that proves sex doesn’t result in pregnancy. He made that statement during a speech about corruption at the CDC; but guess what, the WHO is also corrupt. I won’t be basing my health decisions on recommendations from them or any other governmental or non-governmental organization anytime soon.
Back to the super important subject at hand. When you squat your “recto-anal angle” is at the perfect position and you are able to make a quick, smooth transit without straining. This may prevent fecal stagnation which leads to constipation as well as appendicitis, as well as muscle strain that can lead to hemorrhoids, diverticulitis and hernias. It is also the optimum position in which to give birth; that lying flat on your back idea is just as backwards as sitting to take a crap.
If you are now convinced you need to get in on the Paleo Poop (my term, thanks), you can buy a Squatty Potty for 35 bucks, or you can do what I do and just pull up a trash can. Daniel Vitalis, who is really big on getting back to nature, likes to pull up a tree stump. If you are out camping or decide to install a hole in the commode of your next abode, you could try to master the flat-footed squat, which has the added bonus of keeping your feet, leg and butt muscles strong. If you’re going to squat like your Neanderthal forebears, you might as well look good doing it, right?
Not only do I condemn the sit-down toilet, but I also wonder why bidets are not more popular this side of the Atlantic Ocean. Cleaning with water is much more hygienic than toilet paper alone. Along with pulling up a stool or stump, you may consider outfitting your toilet with something like this, which I must say has made the bathroom experience much more clean and pleasant for both me and my husband. One day, though, my dream house will not feature a porcelain throne but a hole in the floor. Sometimes, you know, what we think of as modern is actually as ass-backwards as you can get.